


try your best but feel the worst

by CallicoKitten



Series: but i've been thinking of you fondly for sure [5]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, ray palmer is jewish and you can pry that out of my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 16:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12891843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: Between Marty dying and Leo showing up Ray deals badly.





	try your best but feel the worst

**Author's Note:**

> this is another one of those "had a purpose when i started this three days ago but veered off course into nonsense fics" so you're welcome
> 
> takes place in the same universe as most of my other legends fics
> 
> how gross was that crossover tho
> 
> title is from los campesinos' i broke up in amarante

“Hey, if Bird-Girl shows up we could turn this into a whole thing,” Mick says, somewhere between fricking Nazi’s showing up and Marty dying. “Haircut and his Exes fight the Nazis, or something.”

“Hawkgirl,” Ray says and he tries to smile because he knows this is Mick’s way of trying to make him feel better. This is Mick’s way of trying to get him to focus on something other than Marty bleeding out two floors below. “Kendra’s name was Hawkgirl.”

Mick hums around the neck of his beer bottle.

\---

 _Everything’ll be alright_ , he told Caitlin. _There’s a whole mess of smart people on this ship. Someone’ll figure something out._

The words rattle around in the back of his mind. He stands in Marty’s lab – in _the_ lab because it was never actually _designated_ Marty’s lab, Ray spent his fair share of time in here and so does Zari nowadays but it’s filled with Marty’s stuff and Marty’s sweaters and Marty’s notes in loose, elegant curls.

Nothing’s really felt right since the baby Dominator. Since he died at eight years old in some forest because he was so godamned _lonely_ he took a monster home and protected it with his life. Nothing’s really felt real.

It’s like the worlds tilted somehow, gone blurry at the edges. Like the shines worn off.

He’s covered all the mirrors on the Waverider. He’s pretty sure Marty would have laughed at him for it but it felt right.

_Everything’ll be alright._

He closes his eyes. Shoves it away. Takes a few deep, shuddering breaths.

It’s Jax he should be worrying about now. Not himself. Jax and Clarissa and Lily. They’re the ones who lost out here. It’s them who should be shaking, spiralling out.

There’s a knock on the door behind him and Ray feels himself tense. None of the Legends knock.

“Are you alright, Raymond?” Len – _Leo –_ asks quietly.

Ray knows that the rest of the Legends find Leo’s kindness, Leo’s goodness the most off-putting thing about him. He’s like Len but all wrong. Ray’s the opposite, finds Leo’s kindness the easiest thing about him. Makes it easier to remember who he isn’t.

For Ray it’s the realisation that this Leonard Snart has a Ray too and his last name isn’t Palmer that makes him ache all over. It’s stupid, he knows. Leo is not Len, could never have been Len and for all Ray knows his family didn’t make it out of Europe on Earth X. It’s like being mad at a ghost, or something. And anyway, it’s not like Ray was the love of Len’s life or anything. It’s not like he made Len go all soft and doe-eyed and wistful at the thought of him. Not like Leo and his Ray.

“Raymond?” Leo prompts.

His first morning on the Waverider he had asked very politely if he could call Ray Raymond to make it easier for him, to make him miss his Ray less. Of course Ray had said yes.

He turns and Leo’s watching him, lingering halfway in the door way like he’s trying very hard not to cross the room and lay a hand on his shoulder or something. Ray draws back a fraction. If Leo touches him, he’s sure he’ll shatter.

 _Everything’ll be alright,_ he tells himself.

“I’m fine,” he says, sets the box of Marty’s things down on a bench and leaves, making sure not to brush past Leo on his way past.

He’d like to go back to his room, draw his knees up to his chest and just breathe for a few hours but Sara’s been at him not to do that so much anymore, likes pointing out that keeping stuff in as a kid almost got him killed.

He goes to Nate instead, raps on his door and doesn’t even need to say anything for Nate to give him that _oh, buddy_ look and say, “Wanna binge watch the new Star Trek?”

They do this a lot nowadays, him and Nate. Sit together in what has become their den/TV room and watch a few films or a whole season or two of TV. In the beginning it was all popcorn and red vines and shouting at the TV, Amaya and Zari and Jax joining them on occasion and usually bowing out with semi-fond smiles on their faces. It’s changed since the Dominator though or maybe since right after, when Nate suggested they finally get around to _Stranger Things_ and Ray’s breathing started getting all funny and his chest started getting tight and –

Ray’s no stranger to panic attacks. After Anna died, he got them pretty frequently. But this was different. This was _stupid._ He was sitting there watching a tv show with the people he loves most in the world and –

Nate noticed when he started shaking, put a hand on his shoulder wide-eyed and said, “Ray! Holy _shit_ , buddy are you okay?”

And then Zari and Amaya had been there and their hands had been everywhere – _everywhere –_ voices overlapping. _I’m fine,_ Ray had wanted to say, _I’m fine,_ but he couldn’t get the words out.

Since then, Nate’s spent a lot less time watching the screen and a lot more time watching Ray.

\---

Mick’s been rougher with him since ‘nam. Not rough in an angry way, rough in a _freer_ way.

He’s got one hand curled around Ray’s throat, squeezing just right, the other pressing marks into his left hip. Mick drags his teeth over Ray’s shoulder and Ray whines, tips his head back against Mick’s shoulder to give him better access. He’ll be bruised all over by the time they’re done, stop by the med-bay for this salve they found in the 23rd Century that washes them away easily as dirt.

Len liked to leave him bruised too. Liked to suck marks into Ray’s throat, into his hips, into the insides of his thighs, liked Ray to wear them with pride.

“Stop thinking about _him_ ,” Mick growls, shoves Ray down face first into the mattress.

Ray doesn’t know if Mick’s talking to him or himself.

When they’re done, Mick rolls off of him and Ray breathes out against the sheets. Mick reaches out, curls a hand through Ray’s hair for a moment before he grumbles, “Alright, Haircut, we’re done. Get outta here.”

\---

He finds Sara in the kitchen, drinking whiskey in the half-light. “You sleeping Rory again?” she asks and Ray’s hand comes up to touch the fading bruises on his throat. His shrug is one-shouldered.

Sara purses her lips. Reminds Ray as much of a concerned mother as it does that Sara could snap his neck if she really wanted. “I don’t want either of you getting hurt,” she says.

Ray tries to smile. “It’s nothing serious,” he says because that’s what Mick says over and over. What Mick said when they broke time and went their separate ways. _Come on, Haircut. It’s not like this actually meant anything, right?_ Ray had bitten his tongue. Held back the words that threatened to come rushing out. Said, “Oh.”

Sara looks at him like he’s an idiot, like he’s the stupidest person alive, like she wants to save him from something.

Ray changes the subject. “It’s not me we should be worrying about, anyway. It’s Jax. Have you – How’s he doing?”

Sara sighs. “Not great. Not that he’ll admit to it. Kinda like everyone on this team.”

Ray laughs weakly. “Yeah, we’re probably not the best role models for him.”

Sara smiles sadly. “Go get some sleep, Ray.”

\---

He doesn’t sleep much these days. Before Marty, he used to spend his sleepless nights in the lab, tinkering with his suit or working on the shrink-ray or equations or something, now he just lies in his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

After Anna died, after Len, he spent all night lying awake thinking of what he should have done differently. How he should have saved them. How it should have been him. It’s not like that with Marty. His mind is just blank. Just empty and tired and blank.

\---

He avoids Leo as much as possible, tries his best to make it un-obvious but quickly realises that it’s pretty much impossible to do that on a relatively small time-ship. Leo corners him one evening when he’s lighting the first candle on the menorah Ray bought for the Waverider. It was meant to be a gift for Marty, they didn’t have one last year.

Jax is watching, lounging against one wall still looking a little drained, arms folded across his chest. They’re well into December, but no one’s put up Christmas decorations yet. “I think he would have liked this,” Jax says. “Thanks, Ray.”

Ray smiles, watching the little flame flicker, the dancing shadows it casts against he wall of the ship. “You’re welcome,” he says softly. When he looks around, he notices Leo watching too, half hidden in the doorway to the library.

Jax follows his gaze, narrows his eyes.

Leo steps out in to the corridor. “Sorry if I’m intruding,” he says and it sounds like something Len would say except honest, not dripping in sarcasm. “We don’t really – ” Leo starts but must think better of it. “Well. I suppose it goes without saying.”

Ray sets his jaw. It’s not his fault Leo comes from Planet Nazi, he tells himself.

Jax scrubs a hand tiredly across his face. “It’s cool, man. Just don’t lurk like that. It reminds me of the old you. _Our_ you. Whatever.”

“Apologies,” Leo says. He turns to Ray then, eyes bright and blue and every bit as quick as Len’s and says, “Anyway, Raymond, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Would you mind?”

Jax seems to take that as his cue to leave, slouching back down the corridor before Ray can think of an excuse to get him to stay. He stares after him, a little helplessly before his shoulders slump in defeat. “Uh, sure, Leo,” he says, false-brightly. “What’s up?”

Leo looks at him like Ray’s causing him great pain and says, “It’s pretty obvious that my presence on the ship is upsetting you.”

“No it isn’t,” Ray says, almost automatically.

Leo crosses his arms. “So you _haven’t_ been avoiding me?”

“Nope.”

“It’s just a coincidence that every time I walk into a room you have to leave?”

Ray nods. His chest is starting to get tight. “Speaking of which I think it’s dinner time.” He turns before Leo can respond, starts towards the kitchen as quickly as he can without running, hears Leo sigh and say, “Raymond, I am trying to _talk_ to you.”

The kitchen is occupied; Sara and Nate and Jax sat around the table eating pizza. “It’s not gluten-free,” Sara warns.

“That’s fine,” Ray says, distracted. He crosses to the fabricator, fiddles aimlessly around with the setting watching the door. It’s only a minute or so before Leo arrives, expression dark. It makes him look painfully more like Len.

“Look,” he says as he enters. “I realise that at some point on your Earth you all decided being honest with one another wasn’t worth the effort but I’m starting to get a little annoyed with this.”

Nate stares blankly between them, Sara stands, “Whoa, whoa,” she says. “Everybody needs to play nice.”

“I _am_ playing nice,” Leo snaps. “I’d just like to know why Raymond can’t seem to spend more than a few moments with me without leaving abruptly.”

Sara’s expression turns soft, she turns back to look at Ray. “Ah.” She says.

Leo’s eyes narrow. “I’m not my double,” he says to Ray. “Whatever he did to you I’m sorry. But that wasn’t me.”

Ray makes a strangled noise. Whatever Len _did_ to him. Like Len hurt him. Or stole something. Or –

Jax sighs, tiredly. “Look, I’m tired of this too guys. If you don’t tell him, I’m gonna.”

Sara falls silent, looks helplessly at Ray. Ray can’t seem to make his mouth work. Nate still looks blank. Jax looks between them all for a few moments before he looks back at Leo. “Your boyfriend’s name is Ray, right?”

Leo nods slowly.

“Well, our Snart had a Ray too,” he turns, points at Ray. “That one.”

The way Leo looks at Ray then makes him want to come apart.

“I have to go,” Ray mumbles.

\---

He goes to Mick’s room, bursts in without knocking. Mick doesn’t jump, doesn’t rage at him, doesn’t even look up from the book he’s reading, just says, “Haircut, we talked about this.”

“ _Mick_ ,” Ray says, because it’s all he can think to say. His voice cracks, trembles, breaks. Mick looks up immediately, sets down his book and stands.

“What’s wrong?” He demands. “Who do I need to hit?”

Ray doesn’t really know what to say. Instead, he sort of falls against Mick, buries his face in Mick’s shoulder and shakes. Mick sighs, curls one arm around Ray’s back and absent-mindedly strokes his hair with the other.

“I’m sorry,” Ray mumbles into his shoulder. “I’m sorry – I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so – I shouldn’t - ”

“Alright, Haircut,” he says. “Alright.”

He doesn’t ask Ray to leave, just maneuverers them towards the bed after a few minutes standing and lies him gently down. Ray grips Mick’s wrist as he pulls away. “I’m just going to shut the door,” Mick says and Ray lets go. Twists to watch Mick cross to the door, key in the code to lock it and make his way back to Ray.

“So,” he says, when he’s sat back on the bed and kicked his boots off. “You gonna tell me what happened?” He scoots himself back on the mattress until he’s leaning up against the headboard, opens his arms in an invitation for Ray to curl up against his side.

“Leo knows about me and Len,” he says.

Mick sighs.

They’ve never talked about him and Len. Ray’s sure Mick knew, not that Len would have told him in so many words but he’s heard Mick at night sometimes, talking to Len like he’s in the room with them. He says things like _I’m trying Lenny, I’m doing right by him._

“You tell him?” Mick asks.

Ray shakes his head. “Jax. I can’t even be mad at him.”

Mick’s hum is noncommittal.

“I’m sorry,” Ray says. “It must be hard for you too, having him here.”

“He’s not Lenny,” Mick says. “Never was. Never will be.”

His grip on Ray tightens though.

“You should get some sleep, Haircut,” he says. “You look like shit.”

\---

When Ray wakes up, Mick’s snoring beside him. He pads out into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. Nate’s the first one up, drops into the seat beside Ray and bumps his shoulder, “You never told me about you and Snart,” he says, gently.

“Yeah,” Ray says. “Well, there’s never really an opportune moment to tell anyone about dead loved ones, is there? I mean, it’s not exactly breakfast conversation.”

Nate makes a face and pulls him into a hug. Ray melts into it. “I’m sorry,” Nate says, when he lets Ray go.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

“Well, it’s not yours either,” Nate says. Then he pauses, “Right?”

“I – ” Ray shakes his head. “No. I guess not.”

Nate smiles. “There you go then.” He claps Ray on the arm as he announces, “I’m in the mood for poptarts.”

Once he’s stood up and crossed to the replicator Leo appears in the doorway, he’s eyeing Ray up cautiously. “If my being here is too difficult for you, Raymond,” he says, quietly. “I can go back to my Earth.”

Ray takes a deep breath. Behind him, he hears Nate stop rustling the poptart wrappers.

“And don’t just say it’s fine to spare my feelings,” Leo adds, before Ray can say anything.

“It’s fine,” Ray says. “Really. It is. You’re not Len. You never will be and I’m sorry for making you feel crappy.”

Leo still looks dubious.

Nate claps Ray on the back. “I’m proud of you, bro.”

**Author's Note:**

> i realised halfway through writing this that i never actually wrote that "mick and ray had a messy break up post-breaking time partly bc mick was unaware it was happening" fic i had planned so my bad?


End file.
